SAN ANTONIO — Toy company Build-A-Bear Workshop Inc. announced it expects to break a new record in profits this year after Tedesco munchkin Sophie Tedesco celebrated her two-year birthday, making her old enough to join the ranks of other Tedesco girls who have been indoctrinated in the Cult of the Build-A-Bear.
“Build-A-Bear is thriving today thanks to those adorable, malleable Tedesco girls,” said company spokeswoman Imelda Hucksley. “Without them, we wouldn’t be where we are today as we march towards world domination.
“All hail the Great Bear!” Hucksley added.
Company revenues have swelled ever since Tedesco kids discovered the colorful, hypnotic allure of Build-A-Bear stores, which offer myriad ways to get children hooked on customizing cuddly teddy bears.
Now that Sophie Tedesco is old enough to become a Class 1 Build-A-Bear neophyte, Hucksley said she will begin lessons in how to finagle cash from her parents to buy a small army of cute, soulless bears. Hucksley said the toys, which are located in strategic locations all over the United States, are perfectly harmless and are in no way a crucial element of Operation Cuddles.
“Happy two-year birthday, Sophie!” a cheerful Hucksley said. “The sacred indoctrination chamber is ready for your arrival. And don’t forget, your parents get paid every other Friday.”