Lili Ramirez Tedesco being escorted to school with her bodyguard

DENVER — Lili Ramirez Tedesco, 5, easily breezed through her first week of kindergarten while her mother, Georgia, suffered a nervous breakdown, according to an e-mail obtained today exclusively by the Tedesco Times.

Writing about her daughter’s first day of school, Georgia wrote: “She had not a single bit of anxiety, there was no hesitation, she didn’t even look back. She walked inside that room anticipating whatever was inside.”

But Georgia herself didn’t fare so well and has bombarded her daughter with questions about school. “She even told me the other day: ‘I already told you I am fine why do you keep asking me that?’” Georgia noted.

The e-mail offers a rare glimpse at a secretive family in the witness protection program that lives somewhere on the outskirts of Denver. Little is known about the Tedescos, other than the children are cute little geniuses suspected of embezzling millions of dollars in pyramid schemes.

Gigi Ramirez Tedesco poses in a new housing subdivision built by developer Paul Tedesco

DENVER — Real estate developer Paul Tedesco unveiled a new housing subdivision in his backyard today that he said will cater to the “high-end toddler market.”

Dubbed “The Estates of Tedescoville,” the .1 acre, 2-story project boasts luxurious swing sets, an extravagant slide, and a roomy lookout tower to spot interloping adults, Paul announced at a press conference today.

“When I bought the raw materials for this new development at Costco, at first I thought it was just a simple play set,” Paul told reporters.

“It turns out you need an engineering degree to build the thing. Took me months,” Paul said. “But it was totally worth it. Every kid in the neighborhood wants to move into my new development, and the value of my backyard has increased 500 percent.”

Paul said he’s “really getting into this real estate thing” and plans to pave over the rest of his backyard, continue expanding, and offer low-interest mortgages to children until the housing bubble bursts.

John Tedesco (left) heard Jennifer Hiller (right) disparage a totally kick-ass movie

SAN ANTONIO — Authorities are investigating allegations that Tedesco girlfriend Jennifer Hiller questioned the sheer awesomeness of a new movie starring Italian actors Al Pacino and Robert De Niro by asking: “who cares?”

Hiller, 28, is suspected of making the hurtful comment in front of her boyfriend, John Tedesco, 29, who is recovering from his emotional injuries at Santa Rosa Hospital.

“From what we can gather, Mr. Tedesco was at the home of Ms. Hiller watching TV when the crime occurred,” Detective Robert Martin told reporters at a press conference today.

“A trailer for the movie “Righteous Kill” starring Al Pacino and Robert De Niro came on,” Martin said. “Mr. Tedesco immediately recognized how totally kick ass this movie will be, considering it is the only film since “Heat” that stars both Pacino and De Niro. In accordance with all local and federal statutes, Mr. Tedesco notified his girlfriend of the movie’s historic importance and mind-blowing awesomeness.”

According to a recording of a 911 call released today at a press conference, Hiller replied with the hurtful comment: “Who cares?”

“Obviously, Mr. Tedesco was shattered,” Martin said. “Poor guy.”

Authorities say Hiller has a long track record of disparaging kick-ass movies.

On May 29, 2008, Hiller was investigated for rolling her eyes and saying, “Do we have to watch this every time?” after Tedesco was channel surfing and discovered “Good Fellas.” No charges were filed against Hiller.

Hiller was also accused of failing to dutifully watch each episode of “The Godfather” and its equally kick-ass sequel, “The Godfather II,” which are on TV on almost a weekly basis. The findings of that investigation are pending.

“Clearly, there’s a pattern of criminal behavior here,” Martin said.

Hiller’s attorney told reporters that if this is the only thing Tedesco can complain about, then Hiller must be a pretty good catch.

SEATTLE — The Pentagon confirmed today that the military is studying the tactics of the Tedesco family, whose members have been surprising one another for years in unannounced “black ops” visits.

“We are learning that the Tedescos are truly the masters of ‘Shock and Awe’ tactics,” said General Scott Anderson.

“Tedesco family members live in secret, secure locations throughout the United States,” Anderson said. “Yet somehow when they visit each other, they successfully plot elaborate conspiracies to make it a big surprise. Our Navy Seals are learning tons just watching the Tedescos in action.”

Anderson listed several examples of what he said were flawless missions.

Most recently, John Tedesco, 27, drove to Seattle to visit his kid sister, Kristin. John contacted his sources in the Tedesco intelligence community and hatched a plan with Kristin’s husband, Garrett Cook, to surprise Kristin at a dinner. The result: Kristin was surprised, and no casualties were reported.

A few months before that mission, Kristin surprised her Mom in Denver for Mother’s Day. Before that mission, Aunt Sue flew in friends and family members to surprise her son in Austin. Before that mission, Mike and Caitlin Tedesco drove 12 hours from Kansas to Texas to surprise their family in Corpus Christi for Christmas. Before that mission, John, Joe, and their cousin concocted a secret plan to have Dad and Uncle John run into each other in Austin.

Anderson said the list goes on and on.

“Most people might be asking, ‘What’s wrong with this family?’” Anderson said. “The answer is, I don’t know. They’re twisted. But they’re the best.”

PUEBLO, Colo. — A local man was hospitalized today after Olympic athlete Maddy Tedesco trounced him in a cutthroat game of Ping Pong, in preparation for this year’s Summer Olympics in China.

“Sweet Jesus! What hit me?” asked Maddy’s uncle, John Tedesco, 26, shortly after he was struck in the forehead with a ping pong ball clocked at 98 mph.

“I just remember seeing the ball streaking towards me like a bullet, and then I heard a little girl’s diabolical laughter,” he said as paramedics wheeled him away.

As the youngest athlete to enter the Ping Pong event at the Olympics, Maddy has embarked on a rigorous training regimen to hone her deadly Ping Pong skills, said her trainers and parents, Mike and Caitlin Tedesco.

“Frankly, Maddy is like a little ninja at the Ping Pong table,” said Caitlin, who witnessed the match between Maddy and her uncle.

“Maddy can aim those Ping Pong balls with pinpoint precision. They’re like deadly, poison-tipped shuriken, only they’re round and made of plastic.

“I’m surprised Uncle John even survived.”

Cooper Tedesco resists eating his spaghetti breakfast

DENVER — Family members of Cooper Tedesco, 2, announced today they were concerned with his refusal to enjoy the main food groups of any good Italian: spaghetti, spaghetti, and spaghetti.

“I really don’t get it,” Cooper’s father, Mike, told reporters at a press conference. “By my calculations, Cooper’s only eaten half his body weight in spaghetti for the week. He’s way behind schedule.”

For several generations, all Tedesco children have been placed on a strict regimen of spaghetti, whether they liked it or not. An archived home movie of Dad as a child in the 1950s shows his aunt asking him if he wanted another serving of spaghetti at a dinner gathering. The young Tedesco shook his head no, and the aunt promptly dumped a ladle full of spaghetti on his plate.

“With spaghetti, all Tedesco kids like it at first,” Dad said. “But after the first few hundred servings, that first phase of enjoyment gives way to denial, then anger. It looks like Cooper is in that stage now.

“Slowly, after a thousand servings or so, we all learn to accept spaghetti,” Dad added. “Then, finally, we enter the final phase of forgiveness.

“Anyone for seconds?”

SEATTLE — Researchers announced today they were stunned by the calming effect Elvis songs have on Makenna Cook, a fussy Tedesco munchkin who is driving her parents crazy.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before,” said Dr. Theo Lewis, a professor of childhood development at the University of Washington who visited the home of Garrett and Kristin Cook to study their daughter.

“Our research shows most babies like quiet lullabies,” Lewis said. “But Makenna only calms down when she hears ear-splitting tunes performed by a pill-popping rocker, like Elvis and Johnny Cash. Clearly, something in her Tedesco genetic code is causing this fixation.”

Lewis predicted little Makenna will be jamming to rock songs with her uncles in the basement of Paul Tedesco’s house by preschool.

Gigi Tedesco, a member of the Build-a-Bear cult

DENVER – Throngs of Tedesco children are flocking to the new toy store Build-a-Bear Workshop Inc., resulting in skyrocketing profits for the cult-like corporation.

“At Build-a-Bear, our company is where friends are made,” spokesperson Imelda Hucksley told reporters. “And our best friends are the cute little Tedesco munchkins Maddy, Lili and Gigi, who have completed our indoctrination process with flying colors.

“All hail the Great Bear!” Hucksley added.

Company revenues have swelled ever since the Tedesco kids discovered the colorful stores, which offer myriad ways to get children hooked on customizing cuddly teddy bears.

Hucksley said the Tedesco girls have rapidly learned to finagle their parents into paying outrageous sums of money on inanimate, soulless stuffed animals.

“Every piece of fluffy stuffing that a Tedesco tyke orders for her bear is a dollar that’s been fleeced by a hapless parent,” Hucksley happily noted.

With the recent birth of yet another Tedesco girl, Makenna, Hucksley predicted that by the year 2009, the company will successfully complete its plans of world domination.

Joe Tedesco emitting harmful levels of Van Halen

DENVER – Health officials warned residents today to avoid dangerously high levels of Van Halen, Joe Satriani, and other 1980s rockers whose songs have been played virtually nonstop since the arrival of guitarist Joe Tedesco, who moved to Denver from Austin three weeks ago.

“This is really bad,” said Dr. Alex Brewer, director of the city’ Health Department.

“I haven’t seen this kind of sick obsession with trite music since the Rick Tedesco Big Bad Voodoo Daddy Fest of 2003.”

Local officials reported that Joe, a talented guitarist, has repeatedly played high doses of irrelevant glam-rock tunes at full blast in the basement of his brother’s house, within range of innocent children.

Brewer said the guitarist has a “sick penchant” for the Van Halen album OU812, which was released in 1988 and is now considered a public health hazard. Medical studies have found the meaningless hard-rock songs from the album, such as “Cabo Wabo” and “Sucka in a Three Piece,” kills brain cells in lab rats and most Tedescos.

Brewer said the same health risks exist no matter who the front man is for Van Halen, whether it’s David Lee Roth or “that one dude from Extreme.”

“Let me put it this way — do you really want ‘Hot for Teacher’ running through your head all day?” Brewer asked. “If you safely avoid these songs, then you got it made, got it made, got it — oh crap.”

By Cooper Tedesco
Guest Columnist and Italian Tough Guy

PUEBLO, Colo. – Alright you knuckleheads. I may be 2 years old but I been around the crib. And I’ve had it up to here with your cutsie high fives and fist pumps.

Yo, pops, why yoo’s stickin out ya fist like I don’t know what to do? Bam! How’s that for a fist pump, pops? I gotcha fist pump right here.

Quit ya cryin’. Go soak your knuckles in some ice, champ, you’ll be alright.

Hey toots, why yoos holdin’ your hand in my face like dat? You want some of this? Bam! That was a high-five squared, baby. If I knew math I’d know what that means. I’m pretty sure it’s bad ass though.

Yo, Uncle John, put down the camera, ya damn paparazzi.

Somebody feed me alreadies, all this work is makin’ me hungry.

Cooper T. out.