Paul and Georgia expecting new baby

Paul and Georgia with their daughter, Lilianna

Can society handle another Tedesco?

DENVER – World leaders reacted with grim resolve today upon learning that Paul and Georgia are going to have another baby.

FBI Director Robert Mueller asked Congress for an emergency budget increase of $1.2 billion for "Operation Get the Tedescos."

"Those Tedesco kids are cute, don't get me wrong," Mueller told senators on Capital Hill. "They also have an astounding ability to outfox adults and get their way. Our agents are still trying to track down Lilianna Ramirez Tedesco, but she's too fast for us."

Mueller's colleagues agreed that Tedesco children are a handful.

"You know, there's only so much I can take," said Tom Ridge, secretary of the U.S. Department of Homeland Defense, as tears welled in his eyes.

"I'm already taking on terrorists and anthrax," Ridge said bitterly. "Now I have to worry about another Tedesco kid? This wasn't in my job description."

Around the Nation:

Joe's cell phone still dead, please try again later

Joe Tedesco

SAN ANTONIO – We're sorry but the Sprint PCS customer you are trying to reach is not available, a friendly computerized voice told Tedesco family members again as they tried getting in touch with Joe.

"Christ, when is Joe going to pay his bill?" Mike Tedesco asked. "It's like the guy lives in a third-world country."

For months, family members have faced immense difficulties getting in touch with Joe, who has no Internet access, no land line, and a mobile phone that seems perpetually out of service.

"Let's see, the last time I talked to Joe, he was dating women his age," Kristin said as she tried calling her brother to no avail. "I wonder how he's doing?"

Dating Tedescos declared hazardous

Kristin Tedesco

SEATTLE – Americans should avoid all romantic contact with Tedesco children, especially if they are named Kristin, Garrett Cook announced at a press conference today.

"Dude, I deserve hazard pay," Cook said at hastily called press conference while Kristin napped. "If I don't get out of this relationship alive, just tell my family I love them."

Law enforcement officials said they would try protecting Cook, but feared Kristin's boyfriend will eventually lose his mind.

"We just don't have the manpower to deal with Kristin Tedesco," said Seattle Police Chief Gil Kerlikowske. "Nice knowing you, Garrett."

The Tedesco boys conducting research

Tedesco boys earn doctorates in Nintendo studies

LAWRENCE, Kansas – The Tedesco boys graduated with honors today in a nationally-recognized Nintendo studies program.

After completing their thesis, "Post-modernist symbolism in Turok 2 Dinosaur Hunter," the Tedescos immediately went back to conducting more research.

Joe worked on his own study, tentatively titled: "Why the hell does my guy keep dying?"

Together, John, Joe, Paul and Mike have nearly a century's worth of Nintendo knowledge under their belts, an accomplishment other family members seemed to care little about.

"Dinner, guys!" Caitlin Tedesco yelled for the fifth time from the kitchen.

"We're coming," Mike said in a zombie-like voice.

Features

What do readers say about the Tedesco Times?

"Thanks for the great web site! Now I can see what the Tedesco family is up to!"

-- Mike's probation officer

"Finally, I've tracked down my scumbag boyfriend for child-support payments! Thanks, Tedesco Times!"

-- Joe's ex-girlfriend

"Do you have the phone number of the cute editor? I think John is dreamy!"

-- Kathy Ireland, supermodel

"Thanks to the Tedesco Times, now we know where to direct our electronic monitoring efforts!"

-- John Aschcroft, U.S. Attorney General

"You'll be hearing from my lawyers!"

-- O.J. Simpson