John Tedesco, editor in chief

GigiWASHINGTON — The Federal Trade Commission accused Gigi Ramirez Tedesco, 5, of launching a nationwide telemarketing campaign that targeted uncles, grandparents, and other “soft targets” who were prone to believe her nefarious sales pitch.

“Do you want to buy a coupon book?” Gigi asked one uncle in a recent dinner-time telemarketing call. “It only costs $30.”

Officials said Gigi has been honing her telemarketing skills for years, calling relatives on her parents’ cell phone at all hours of the day. They estimate the Tedesco munchkin has grossed $1.2 million in illicit sales from Grandma Jan alone.

Jen and PeteSAN ANTONIO — The proliferation of Tedesco munchkins continued this week with the birth of baby Pete Tedesco, alarming federal officials who say cute Tedescos are spreading unchecked across the United States.

“We have totally lost count of how many cute, cunning Tedesco babies are roaming around out there,” said Derek Martin, a statistician with the U.S. Census Bureau who was assigned to specifically keep track of the Tedesco crime family.

“Somewhere around Gigi and Lili, I got confused and gave up on counting all these cute deviants,” Martin added.

Officials said Pete was born this week with the telltale Tedesco traits: Charming good looks and a devious personality.

“I heard Pete’s parents were changing his diapers at 2 a.m. last night,” Martin said. “And just when they had finished, Pete went wee wee and they had to start all over again. That’s the kind of threat this country faces if the Tedesco population grows unabated, folks.”

Joe TedescoDENVER, Colo. — A totally sweet jam session was ruined when guitarist Joe Tedesco accidentally missed a note in Eddie Van Halen’s solo “Eruption,” authorities announced today.

Police said the unforgivable transgression occurred at the home of Joe’s brother, bassist Paul Tedesco. Fellow band members were mortified by the error, police said.

“I can confirm that the jam session was totally kickin’ until Joe screwed up ‘Eruption,’” said Police Spokesman Hewbert McDonald of the Denver Police Department.

“You know that part when Eddie plays a boat-load of sixteenth notes? Well, Joe played an eighth note instead of a sixteenth note. You can imagine how that ruined the vibe of the whole evening.”

Band members immediately called 911 to report the crime.

McDonald said it was unclear whether Joe, a perfectionist who insists on making no mistakes, will ever recover from the error. It was also unclear whether Joe would be able to post bond.

Maddy's birthday party

Maddy's birthday party

PUEBLO, Colo — A birthday party for Maddy Tedesco, 10, was allegedly focused on top-secret talks about boys, sources told the Tedesco Times today.

“I’m pretty sure I heard what I heard,” Maddy’s mother, Caitlin, told reporters at a press conference on the steps of City Hall. “The girls were all whispering and giggling and I knew that meant one thing: Boy talk.”

The secret talks allegedly occurred at Maddy’s birthday party, where she and her friends had pillow fights, swam, and had makeovers at the Marriott.

The identities of the boys discussed in the secret talks were unknown. Maddy’s legal team declined to comment on the matter.

Cole

Cole

ANAHEIM, Calif. — In a heartbreaking scene at Disneyland today, Cole Ramirez Tedesco was torn between his two best friends forever — astronaut Buzz Lightyear and racing car Lightning McQueen.

“Buzz and Lightning begged Cole to be his BFF,” Cole’s mother, Georgia, told reporters at a press conference today. “Cole wishes to inform the public that he can’t yet decide who his BFF will be.”

The conflict sparked a tense standoff between Lightyear and McQueen, who sources say have frequently competed for Cole’s attention at the home of Paul and Georgia Tedesco in Denver, Colo. McQueen’s corporate sponsor, Rust-eze, threatened to drop its sponsorship unless the dispute was settled.

The tension worsened when Cole’s sisters, Gigi and Lili, announced they wanted to be friends not only with Lightyear and McQueen, but also with a pale, sleepy woman sources identified as Snow White, and various unnamed Disney princesses.

“It was a freakin’ soap opera,” an exasperated Georgia announced.

City BoySchools across the country braced for the impact of Mike Tedesco’s new tell-all book, “City Boy,” which could cause thousands of college students in the urban-planning field to rethink their majors.

“Dude, like, from what I hear, urban-planning totally sucks,” said grad student Brandon Frasier, who is working towards his masters in urban planning at the University of Kansas.

“City Boy” is about Mike’s early days working as a planner in Colorado. The publisher says of the book:

In the world of municipal politics, truth is stranger than fiction and there is no truth stranger than La Blanca Gente, Colorado. In this striking first book, the author weaves between the anecdotal and the academic to sew a grand comic farce as he unveils the curtain over the tactics employed by government employees to achieve their own ends. Tragic? Absurd? Harrowing? Indeed, and City Boy serves as a lesson on what not to do when confronted by those who are just dumb enough to take you down. Throw your Urban Planning and Public Administration text books out the window because in the world of municipal politics you better be ready for a street fight.

“‘Street fight?’ ‘Harrowing?’ I think I chose the wrong profession,” Frasier said. “Look what happened to Mike.”

Paul golfing, badly

Paul golfing, badly

DENVER — A coalition of Tedesco guys called for drastic changes in the rules of golf to make it resemble the virtual reality of Tiger Woods Golf on the XBox gaming system.

“Honestly, real golf could learn some things from Tiger Woods golf,” Paul Tedesco told reporters at a press conference outside Stoney Creek Golf Course near Denver, where Tedesco guys have lost an estimated $230 worth of golf balls in the past five years.

“For one thing, in Tiger Woods golf, I can drive the ball straight as an arrow, 350 yards every time, while sitting in the comfort of my own home.” Paul said. “I so rock at fake golf it’s not even funny.

“In real life, I usually shank the ball, and then I get thistles in my socks when I spend a half hour in the weeds looking for it,” Paul said with disgust. “I can’t even hit the white button and spin the ball while it’s in the air. What’s up with that?”

Tedesco guys are boycotting the PGA of America until it radically changes the rules that make real golf suck so bad.

Future baby Pete

Future Tedesco baby, aged 30 years.

SAN ANTONIO — Even before his birth, the next Tedesco baby is showing the telltale signs of being a total stud, a flustered nurse announced at a press conference today.

“The ultrasound clearly showed that John and Jennifer are going to have a boy,” said Glenda Hodgkins, the nurse who performed the ultrasound this morning at the University of Texas Health Science Center at San Antonio.

“I saw the classic traits of a Tedesco guy: The strong jaw, dreamy eyes, and thick, flowing locks of hair.”

Hodgkins then tore her eyes from the sonogram photos and fanned her flushed face. “Whew! is it hot in here or what?” she asked no one in particular.

The flustered nurse concluded: “This kid’s testosterone levels are way off the charts. Hot nurses are already asking for his phone number, so they can look him up in 20 years. Clearly, this kid is a Tedesco.”

Joe Tedesco, wine guy

Joe Tedesco, wine guy

DENVER — Wine visionary Joe Tedesco unveiled his latest batch of Orwellian comments that make people sound sophisticated while sipping wine.

“My new 2009 guide of wine commentary will help anyone sound like a pretentious prick,” Joe proudly announced at a press conference today.

“Use these sayings whenever you want to sound like you know what you’re talking about, without really saying anything of substance.”

Here are Joe’s favorite empty phrases, based on his years of experience in the wine industry, his voracious reading of every issue of Wine Spectator, and studying past press conferences of former U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara:

  • “Hmm. I’m getting petroleum on the nose with notes of diesel. Probably unleaded.”
  • “Woof, that’s a fat cab. Certainly Jenny Craig caliber.”
  • “Oh man, get a whiff of that napalm.”
  • “I’m getting acres and acres of earthy loam.”
  • “This has potential to be grippy, but it needs a few more hours of CPR.”
  • “Hmm, I’m getting a real fruity zing of strawberries, bananas, coconut … oh crap, this is a pina colada.”
  • “You can make up your own sayings and post them on the Tedesco Times,” Joe suggested to his loyal fans. “Maybe you’ll be creative as me! But I doubt it.”

    LOS ANGELES — Item! Annie Tedesco is starring in a real life movie!

    Unlike most Tedescos who seek fame and fortune on YouTube, Cousin Annie is starring in the independent film Suspension, which is now out on DVD!

    A reliable source at Blockbuster Video said Annie Tedesco has been featured in all kinds of commercials, like the Superbowl commercial for CareerBuilder.com and the “Mahna Mahna” commercial for Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper.

    What have you done lately, punk?

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