Imaginarium city central train table plagued by delays, derailments

Tempers flare at the site of a $99 construction project that is weeks behind schedule

SAN ANTONIO — A massive, $99 toy train project approved by voters in the Tedesco home on Christmas day is two weeks behind schedule and plagued by cost overruns and accidents, federal officials announced today.

“The Imaginarium City Central Train Table was supposed to slash commuter times and improve commerce for Pete and Sophie Tedesco,” said Randall Cunningham, chief planner for the Federal Railroad Administration. “Instead, it’s a complete disaster. I pity those poor kids.”

Officials blamed the contractors, identified as Pete and Sophie’s parents, for the delays. Their lawyer denied any wrongdoing.

“My clients were not aware that you needed an actual engineering degree to build this huge train set,” said lawyer Archibald Cox. “Have you read the instructions? Jesus, there’s like a billion little pieces you have to put together.”

Cox said the parental contractors also had to deal with an unlicensed construction firm, Sophie Sue Demolition Inc., that destroyed buildings and train tracks every time they turned their backs.

With a squeal of delight, the one-baby demolition crew blew up a section of train track without warning and injured two Lego construction workers, who were listed in stable condition at University Hospital.

John and Jennifer outside the ultrasound clinic

John and Jennifer outside the ultrasound clinic

WASHINGTON — With news that John Tedesco and Jennifer Hiller are expecting a daughter due in February, the U.S. Census Bureau held an emergency press conference today and warned that the agency has “absolutely no clue” how many Tedesco munchkins are roaming around out there.

“We have totally lost count of all these cute little Tedesco kids,” fretted Robert Portman, chief researcher of the Census Bureau’s statistical division. “I know it sounds crazy, since this agency is responsible for counting and studying the demographics of 310 million Americans. But have you ever tried to keep up with a Tedesco tyke? Good luck with that.”

Future Tedesco baby

Ultrasound of future Tedesco baby

To illustrate the challenges facing the Census Bureau, Portman attempted to count every Tedesco child but was forced to use his fingers to keep track.

“Let’s see, there’s Lili, Gigi and Cole. That’s three,” Portman told reporters. “Mike and Caitlin have some kids, too, right? Yeah, Cooper and Maddy. Don’t forget Kristin and Garrett’s daughter Makenna. How many kids is that now? Six? Seven?

“Then we heard that John and Jennifer had an ultrasound today and learned they’re having a daughter. And they already have Pete! My God, how big is this family?”

Portman turned to an aide. “Did you ever find out if Joe has a kid? Waddaya mean the paternity test was inconclusive? I need answers, man! Answers! We have a national crisis on our hands!”

Portman then collapsed at the podium and wept.

If the proliferation of Tedesco children continues unabated, the Census Bureau predicts that one in five Americans will carry the dreaded Tedesco gene by the year 2020.

Future baby Pete

Future Tedesco baby, aged 30 years.

SAN ANTONIO — Even before his birth, the next Tedesco baby is showing the telltale signs of being a total stud, a flustered nurse announced at a press conference today.

“The ultrasound clearly showed that John and Jennifer are going to have a boy,” said Glenda Hodgkins, the nurse who performed the ultrasound this morning at the University of Texas Health Science Center at San Antonio.

“I saw the classic traits of a Tedesco guy: The strong jaw, dreamy eyes, and thick, flowing locks of hair.”

Hodgkins then tore her eyes from the sonogram photos and fanned her flushed face. “Whew! is it hot in here or what?” she asked no one in particular.

The flustered nurse concluded: “This kid’s testosterone levels are way off the charts. Hot nurses are already asking for his phone number, so they can look him up in 20 years. Clearly, this kid is a Tedesco.”

John and Jen

John and Jen

SAN ANTONIO — Authorities are investigating allegations that Tedesco girlfriend Jennifer Hiller questioned the sheer awesomeness of a new movie starring Italian actors Al Pacino and Robert De Niro by asking: “who cares?”

Hiller, 28, is suspected of making the hurtful comment in front of her boyfriend, John Tedesco, 29, who is recovering from his emotional injuries at Santa Rosa Hospital.

“From what we can gather, Mr. Tedesco was at the home of Ms. Hiller watching TV when the crime occurred,” Detective Robert Martin told reporters at a press conference today.

“A trailer for the movie “Righteous Kill” starring Al Pacino and Robert De Niro came on,” Martin said. “Mr. Tedesco immediately recognized how totally kick ass this movie will be, considering it is the only film since “Heat” that stars both Pacino and De Niro. In accordance with all local and federal statutes, Mr. Tedesco notified his girlfriend of the movie’s historic importance and mind-blowing awesomeness.”

According to a recording of a 911 call released today at a press conference, Hiller replied with the hurtful comment: “Who cares?”

“Obviously, Mr. Tedesco was shattered,” Martin said. “Poor guy.”

Authorities say Hiller has a long track record of disparaging kick-ass movies.

On May 29, 2008, Hiller was investigated for rolling her eyes and saying, “Do we have to watch this every time?” after Tedesco was channel surfing and discovered “Goodfellas.” No charges were filed against Hiller.

Hiller was also accused of failing to dutifully watch each episode of “The Godfather” and its equally kick-ass sequel, “The Godfather II,” which are on TV on almost a weekly basis. The findings of that investigation are pending.

“Clearly, there’s a pattern of criminal behavior here,” Martin said.

Hiller’s attorney told reporters that if this is the only thing Tedesco can complain about, then Hiller must be a pretty good catch.

PUEBLO, Colo. — A local man was hospitalized today after Olympic athlete Maddy Tedesco trounced him in a cutthroat game of Ping Pong, in preparation for this year’s Summer Olympics in China.

“Sweet Jesus! What hit me?” asked Maddy’s uncle, John Tedesco, 26, shortly after he was struck in the forehead with a ping pong ball clocked at 98 mph.

“I just remember seeing the ball streaking towards me like a bullet, and then I heard a little girl’s diabolical laughter,” he said as paramedics wheeled him away.

As the youngest athlete to enter the Ping Pong event at the Olympics, Maddy has embarked on a rigorous training regimen to hone her deadly Ping Pong skills, said her trainers and parents, Mike and Caitlin Tedesco.

“Frankly, Maddy is like a little ninja at the Ping Pong table,” said Caitlin, who witnessed the match between Maddy and her uncle.

“Maddy can aim those Ping Pong balls with pinpoint precision. They’re like deadly, poison-tipped shuriken, only they’re round and made of plastic.

“I’m surprised Uncle John even survived.”

© 2012 The Tedesco Times Suffusion theme by Sayontan Sinha