Lili » The Tedesco Times

Fire codes violated during marshmallow melt

Aug 132011

Maddy and Lili gaze in wonder at the towering inferno

DENVER — A casual family ritual of toasting s’mores in Paul Tedesco’s backyard escalated into an apocalyptic inferno that instantly incinerated scores of marshmallows and violated numerous city fire codes, authorities announced at a press conference today.

“I’ve been fighting fires for more than 20 years,” said Battalion Fire Chief Mike Wilkerson of the Denver Fire Department. “I know what a marshmallow melt is supposed to look like. I’m here to tell you, this was no ordinary fire. Those marshmallows never stood a chance.”

Arson investigators spent hours combing the wreckage of Paul’s barbeque pit, looking for clues that could explain how a tiny fire that was supposed to toast friendly little marshmallows for Tedesco children could rage into an insatiable volcano of doom.

“Everyone knows you’re supposed to lightly toast the marshmallow, not char it with a hydrogen bomb,” Wilkerson said.

Horrified onlookers said the Tedesco kids kept imploring Paul Tedesco to put more and more wood on the towering inferno. Paul finally put a stop to it after Gigi started making offerings to Haphaestus, the Greek god of fire.

Cole torn between Buzz Lightyear, Lightning McQueen

Cole, Georgia, Gigi, Lili No Responses »

Jun 232009

Cole

ANAHEIM, Calif. — In a heartbreaking scene at Disneyland today, Cole Ramirez Tedesco was torn between his two best friends forever — astronaut Buzz Lightyear and racing car Lightning McQueen.

“Buzz and Lightning begged Cole to be his BFF,” Cole’s mother, Georgia, told reporters at a press conference today. “Cole wishes to inform the public that he can’t yet decide who his BFF will be.”

The conflict sparked a tense standoff between Lightyear and McQueen, who sources say have frequently competed for Cole’s attention at the home of Paul and Georgia Tedesco in Denver, Colo. McQueen’s corporate sponsor, Rust-eze, threatened to drop its sponsorship unless the dispute was settled.

The tension worsened when Cole’s sisters, Gigi and Lili, announced they wanted to be friends not only with Lightyear and McQueen, but also with a pale, sleepy woman sources identified as Snow White, and various unnamed Disney princesses.

“It was a freakin’ soap opera,” an exasperated Georgia announced.

Lili’s mom barely survives first week of kindergarten

Georgia, Lili No Responses »

Aug 262008

DENVER — Lili Ramirez Tedesco, 5, easily breezed through her first week of kindergarten while her mother, Georgia, suffered a nervous breakdown, according to an e-mail obtained today exclusively by the Tedesco Times.

Writing about her daughter’s first day of school, Georgia wrote: “She had not a single bit of anxiety, there was no hesitation, she didn’t even look back. She walked inside that room anticipating whatever was inside.”

But Georgia herself didn’t fare so well and has bombarded her daughter with questions about school. “She even told me the other day: ‘I already told you I am fine why do you keep asking me that?’” Georgia noted.

The e-mail offers a rare glimpse at a secretive family in the witness protection program that lives somewhere on the outskirts of Denver. Little is known about the Tedescos, other than the children are cute little geniuses suspected of embezzling millions of dollars in pyramid schemes.