Towering inferno

Maddy and Lili gaze in wonder at the towering inferno

DENVER — A casual family ritual of toasting s’mores in Paul Tedesco’s backyard escalated into an apocalyptic inferno that instantly incinerated scores of marshmallows and violated numerous city fire codes, authorities announced at a press conference today.

“I’ve been fighting fires for more than 20 years,” said Battalion Fire Chief Mike Wilkerson of the Denver Fire Department. “I know what a marshmallow melt is supposed to look like. I’m here to tell you, this was no ordinary fire. Those marshmallows never stood a chance.”

Arson investigators spent hours combing the wreckage of Paul’s barbeque pit, looking for clues that could explain how a tiny fire that was supposed to toast friendly little marshmallows for Tedesco children could rage into an insatiable volcano of doom.

“Everyone knows you’re supposed to lightly toast the marshmallow, not char it with a hydrogen bomb,” Wilkerson said.

Horrified onlookers said the Tedesco kids kept imploring Paul Tedesco to put more and more wood on the towering inferno. Paul finally put a stop to it after Gigi started making offerings to Haphaestus, the Greek god of fire.

Paul and his awesome grillDENVER, Colo. — A consumer watchdog group unveiled a report today that revealed a troubling pattern of obsessive grilling by barbecue aficionado Paul Tedesco.

“Ever since Paul bought his gas-powered Kirkland Signature grill from Costco, he has completely abandoned the kitchen and now cooks all meals outside on the deck, like he’s freakin’ Steven Raichlen or something,” said Clifford Jenson, chief researcher with Consumer Reports.

Contacted by the Tedesco Times, Paul admitted he loves his gas grill for its ease of use and tons of “super cool knobs.” But he denied allegations that his grill addiction has forced the Tedesco family to live on a strict diet of burgers, sausages, and steaks.

“Dude, my family is a bunch of carnivores,” Paul said as he flipped a porterhouse and looked lovingly at his shiny silver grill. “I need this baby just to keep up with their sick ravenous appetites.”

HOLLYWOOD — Annie Tedesco’s starring role in a funny Bud Light commercial was widely hailed by Tedesco guys as the most awesome thing ever that surpasses everything they’ve ever done in life.

“Dude, she starred in a beer commercial!” Mike Tedesco told reporters at a press conference as he gave high-fives to other members of the Tedesco clan. “Have you people ever achieved that kind of greatness? Me neither.”

The commercial was a masterpiece of drama and suspense, Tedesco guys said.

“I deeply appreciated the inner battle the heroine faced dealing with her nemesis, the waiter,” Paul Tedesco said. “It reminded me of all the times waiters ignored me at a bar when I was trying to buy cold, frosty Bud Light. Now I know I need to trip those jerk waiters into a glass window.”

What made the commercial so special, her family said, was the challenging role for the actress.

“This commercial proves my sister has awesome acting chops,” her brother, John Gronbeck-Tedesco, announced. “At the beginning of the commercial, she had to act all quiet and shy and reserved. I’m here to tell ya, she really had to dig deep to pull that off.”

Paul golfing, badly

Paul golfing, badly

DENVER — A coalition of Tedesco guys called for drastic changes in the rules of golf to make it resemble the virtual reality of Tiger Woods Golf on the XBox gaming system.

“Honestly, real golf could learn some things from Tiger Woods golf,” Paul Tedesco told reporters at a press conference outside Stoney Creek Golf Course near Denver, where Tedesco guys have lost an estimated $230 worth of golf balls in the past five years.

“For one thing, in Tiger Woods golf, I can drive the ball straight as an arrow, 350 yards every time, while sitting in the comfort of my own home.” Paul said. “I so rock at fake golf it’s not even funny.

“In real life, I usually shank the ball, and then I get thistles in my socks when I spend a half hour in the weeds looking for it,” Paul said with disgust. “I can’t even hit the white button and spin the ball while it’s in the air. What’s up with that?”

Tedesco guys are boycotting the PGA of America until it radically changes the rules that make real golf suck so bad.

Paul's upscale backyard

Gigi in her luxurious new condo

DENVER — Real estate developer Paul Tedesco unveiled a new housing subdivision in his backyard today that he said will cater to the “high-end toddler market.”

Dubbed “The Estates of Tedescoville,” the .1 acre, 2-story project boasts luxurious swing sets, an extravagant slide, and a roomy lookout tower to spot interloping adults, Paul announced at a press conference today.

“When I bought the raw materials for this new development at Costco, at first I thought it was just a simple play set,” Paul told reporters.

“It turns out you need an engineering degree to build the thing. Took me months,” Paul said. “But it was totally worth it. Every kid in the neighborhood wants to move into my new development, and the value of my backyard has increased 500 percent.”

Paul said he’s “really getting into this real estate thing” and plans to pave over the rest of his backyard, continue expanding, and offer low-interest mortgages to children until the housing bubble bursts.

Kevin the cruel in-law

Kevin Kelly and his family, taking a break between home repair projects

DENVER — A weeklong vacation in Denver to see the family and “chill” suddenly turned into a nightmarish task of grunt work for the Tedesco boys, they announced today at a press conference.

“Dude, it was like … I don’t have the words,” a shaken Joe Tedesco told reporters after the grueling errand.

After taking a drag on a cigarette, Tedesco told the horrible tale.

“We had just settled in for a nice afternoon of playing Tiger Woods Golf on the XBox when the phone rang,” Joe recalled. “Paul answered, I heard him say OK, and he hung up. He was like, ‘Hey, we’re going to help Kevin move some sheet rock into his house.’”

“Kevin” was identified by authorities as Kevin Kelly, Paul’s brother-in-law, who is suspected of cheerfully tackling every conceivable home-repair project known to Man.

“I was thinking, cool, we can carry in a little sheet rock,” Joe said. “But when we pulled up to his house, there was a trailer parked in the driveway with a freakin’ pallet of sheet rock that was taller than me. My muscles ached just looking at the thing.”

The next two excruciating hours were spent hauling each heavy, 12-foot sheet up a windy driveway, into the house, and down a stairway to the basement. When they finished, Kelly left to pick up yet another pile of sheet rock — even though it was well past the Tedesco boys’ afternoon nap time.

“I’ll never forget how Kevin cheerfully smiled during the whole ordeal,” Joe said, dabbing at his eye with a hankie.

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