Imaginarium city central train table plagued by delays, derailments

Tempers flare at the site of a $99 construction project that is weeks behind schedule

SAN ANTONIO — A massive, $99 toy train project approved by voters in the Tedesco home on Christmas day is two weeks behind schedule and plagued by cost overruns and accidents, federal officials announced today.

“The Imaginarium City Central Train Table was supposed to slash commuter times and improve commerce for Pete and Sophie Tedesco,” said Randall Cunningham, chief planner for the Federal Railroad Administration. “Instead, it’s a complete disaster. I pity those poor kids.”

Officials blamed the contractors, identified as Pete and Sophie’s parents, for the delays. Their lawyer denied any wrongdoing.

“My clients were not aware that you needed an actual engineering degree to build this huge train set,” said lawyer Archibald Cox. “Have you read the instructions? Jesus, there’s like a billion little pieces you have to put together.”

Cox said the parental contractors also had to deal with an unlicensed construction firm, Sophie Sue Demolition Inc., that destroyed buildings and train tracks every time they turned their backs.

With a squeal of delight, the one-baby demolition crew blew up a section of train track without warning and injured two Lego construction workers, who were listed in stable condition at University Hospital.

John and Jennifer outside the ultrasound clinic

John and Jennifer outside the ultrasound clinic

WASHINGTON — With news that John Tedesco and Jennifer Hiller are expecting a daughter due in February, the U.S. Census Bureau held an emergency press conference today and warned that the agency has “absolutely no clue” how many Tedesco munchkins are roaming around out there.

“We have totally lost count of all these cute little Tedesco kids,” fretted Robert Portman, chief researcher of the Census Bureau’s statistical division. “I know it sounds crazy, since this agency is responsible for counting and studying the demographics of 310 million Americans. But have you ever tried to keep up with a Tedesco tyke? Good luck with that.”

Future Tedesco baby

Ultrasound of future Tedesco baby

To illustrate the challenges facing the Census Bureau, Portman attempted to count every Tedesco child but was forced to use his fingers to keep track.

“Let’s see, there’s Lili, Gigi and Cole. That’s three,” Portman told reporters. “Mike and Caitlin have some kids, too, right? Yeah, Cooper and Maddy. Don’t forget Kristin and Garrett’s daughter Makenna. How many kids is that now? Six? Seven?

“Then we heard that John and Jennifer had an ultrasound today and learned they’re having a daughter. And they already have Pete! My God, how big is this family?”

Portman turned to an aide. “Did you ever find out if Joe has a kid? Waddaya mean the paternity test was inconclusive? I need answers, man! Answers! We have a national crisis on our hands!”

Portman then collapsed at the podium and wept.

If the proliferation of Tedesco children continues unabated, the Census Bureau predicts that one in five Americans will carry the dreaded Tedesco gene by the year 2020.

© 2012 The Tedesco Times Suffusion theme by Sayontan Sinha