Main Menu
|
Top Story:
Paul and Georgia are having third baby!
Plans still on track for global dominationDENVER - Paul and Georgia Tedesco announced today they are having a third child, making their diabolic plans of dominating the world with Tedesco children a frightening reality."Excellent," Paul said in a creepy mad-scientist voice as he stroked a cat in an underground laboratory in Denver. "Soon I shall father a master race of cute Tedesco kids who will rule the world! Ha ha ha!" According to a classified CIA report, Tedescos are projected to comprise 99.5 percent of the world population by 2065 if they continue to proliferate. Paul and Mike Tedesco have already spawned three adorable girls who possess unparalleled intelligence. "Soon, I shall father a male Tedesco!" Mike said at an undisclosed bunker in Kansas. "My mini-me will complete me! Ha ha ha!" Other Tedescos have joined Mike and Paul in the conspiracy. "Soon, I shall procreate!" said Joe Tedesco at his bunker-like apartment in Austin. "And this time, it shall be with a woman! Ha ha ha!" "I am Gaia, mother of future Tedescos!" Kristin announced at an underground cafe in Seattle. "All shall bow before our chain-smoking progeny! Ha ha ha!" John, the wisest and coolest of all Tedescos, is still trying to meet a woman. Gianna wins gold in 1-meter dash
Scurrying across the living room floor at a lightning crawl, Gianna shattered the world record, which had previously been held by her older sister, Lili. "God, that was intense," a visibly shaken Bob Costas announced as Gianna crossed the finish line. "Am I the only one hearing the 'Chariots of Fire' song in my head?" The race was off to a rough start for the young champion. As Gianna raced across the floor, she was suddenly sidetracked and took a nose dive into a pillow. Observers disagreed whether Gianna lost her footing, or if the pillow simply looked like a nice place to rest for a bit. Crucial seconds passed as she flailed around on the floor. Suddenly, Gianna heaved herself up and sprang across the finish line in record time. "Months of training have clearly paid off for Gianna," Costas said. "Look at those guns. Her forearms look like pythons, rippling with muscle. What kind of baby food does this kid eat? Ribeye steaks?" To celebrate her victory, Gianna raced up to a television camera and slobbered all over it. Around the Nation: Maddy aces World Series of Poker
Stunned ESPN viewers watched the 5-year-old genius don a pair of shades and bluff her way to the grand prize at the World Series of Poker. "I just lost $430,300," said Shawn Rice, a native of Lubbock, Texas who had been considered a savvy poker player before Maddy came along. "When she gave me that cute smile as she chomped on a cigar and took all my chips, I realized that kid was good," Rice said. Study: Tedescos still like spaghetti
"We thought spaghetti would induce the gag reflex in any Tedesco, since they ate that damn pasta for years, day after excruciating day," said June Chan of the Harvard School of Public Health. "What we found instead shattered our hypothesis," Chan said. "Tedescos voraciously attack heaping plates of spaghetti like Pavlovian dogs. Frankly, it's quite a disgusting sight, especially when Kristin goes berserk." Chan said genetics appeared to spark the feeding frenzy. "Most likely it's in their Italian blood," she said. "Tedescos are also half Irish, and for some reason they still love mashed potatoes. That's the only other meal their parents cooked for those poor kids." Maddy lobbies family for play time
According to a 310-page report released by the Center for Repulsive Politics in Washington, Maddy could be a dangerously efficient backroom lobbyist when she grows up, considering how easily she persuades older Tedescos to play with her. The report documented how Maddy gets her way in 99.5 percent of all cases where she asked an adult Tedesco: "Do you want to play with me?"
"Basically, Maddy was the boss," said Barry Nible, executive director of the research group. "You think you know how to play 'hide and go seek?' Try playing it with Maddy. She springs all these new rules on you and your head starts spinning. Before you know it, you lose, pal. Then it's off to some other confusing game where you have no chance. "Just imagine what she could do to some poor Congressman with her intelligence and a few thousand dollars in campaign contributions," Nible added. |
Features What do readers say about
the Tedesco Times? "Thanks for the great web site! Now I can see what the Tedesco family is up to!" "Finally, I've tracked down my scumbag boyfriend for child-support payments! Thanks, Tedesco Times!" "Do you have the phone number of the cute editor? I think John is dreamy!" "Thanks to the Tedesco Times, now we know where to direct our electronic monitoring efforts!" "You'll be hearing from my lawyers!" Paul and Georgia started a business! 
Come back soon to check out the bankruptcy! |
