WASHINGTON — Researchers at the U.S. National Archives and Records Administration announced today that unearthed archival footage of the Tedesco family conclusively proves how the ragtag gang of kids growing up in the 1970s were total dorkwads.

“Historians have held heated debates about the true history of the Tedesco kids,” said chief archivist David S. Ferriero. “Were they nerds, geeks, or what? Turns out everyone underestimated what total dorks they were. I mean, sweet Jesus, what’s with the Beatles haircuts?”

Ferriero then added: “Looking good, Joe … not.”

Even taking into account the 1970s dork index, in which most things were dorky in hindsight, the dorkiness levels of the Tedesco kids exceeded all federal dork standards, Ferriero said.

“Dude, those home videos broke our dorkameter,” Ferriero said. “That thing cost us $20,000. It survived every episode of ‘Charles in Charge’ but couldn’t handle five minutes of grainy Tedesco home movies.

“That ought to tell you something about those poor, poor dorks.”

Tempers flare at the site of a $99 construction project that is weeks behind schedule

SAN ANTONIO — A massive, $99 toy train project approved by voters in the Tedesco home on Christmas day is two weeks behind schedule and plagued by cost overruns and accidents, federal officials announced today.

“The Imaginarium City Central Train Table was supposed to slash commuter times and improve commerce for Pete and Sophie Tedesco,” said Randall Cunningham, chief planner for the Federal Railroad Administration. “Instead, it’s a complete disaster. I pity those poor kids.”

Officials blamed the contractors, identified as Pete and Sophie’s parents, for the delays. Their lawyer denied any wrongdoing.

“My clients were not aware that you needed an actual engineering degree to build this huge train set,” said lawyer Archibald Cox. “Have you read the instructions? Jesus, there’s like a billion little pieces you have to put together.”

Cox said the parental contractors also had to deal with an unlicensed construction firm, Sophie Sue Demolition Inc., that destroyed buildings and train tracks every time they turned their backs.

With a squeal of delight, the one-baby demolition crew blew up a section of train track without warning and injured two Lego construction workers, who were listed in stable condition at University Hospital.

Maddy and Lili gaze in wonder at the towering inferno

DENVER — A casual family ritual of toasting s’mores in Paul Tedesco’s backyard escalated into an apocalyptic inferno that instantly incinerated scores of marshmallows and violated numerous city fire codes, authorities announced at a press conference today.

“I’ve been fighting fires for more than 20 years,” said Battalion Fire Chief Mike Wilkerson of the Denver Fire Department. “I know what a marshmallow melt is supposed to look like. I’m here to tell you, this was no ordinary fire. Those marshmallows never stood a chance.”

Arson investigators spent hours combing the wreckage of Paul’s barbeque pit, looking for clues that could explain how a tiny fire that was supposed to toast friendly little marshmallows for Tedesco children could rage into an insatiable volcano of doom.

“Everyone knows you’re supposed to lightly toast the marshmallow, not char it with a hydrogen bomb,” Wilkerson said.

Horrified onlookers said the Tedesco kids kept imploring Paul Tedesco to put more and more wood on the towering inferno. Paul finally put a stop to it after Gigi started making offerings to Haphaestus, the Greek god of fire.

John and Jennifer outside the ultrasound clinic

WASHINGTON — With news that John Tedesco and Jennifer Hiller are expecting a daughter due in February, the U.S. Census Bureau held an emergency press conference today and warned that the agency has “absolutely no clue” how many Tedesco munchkins are roaming around out there.

“We have totally lost count of all these cute little Tedesco kids,” fretted Robert Portman, chief researcher of the Census Bureau’s statistical division. “I know it sounds crazy, since this agency is responsible for counting and studying the demographics of 310 million Americans. But have you ever tried to keep up with a Tedesco tyke? Good luck with that.”

Ultrasound of future Tedesco baby

“Let’s see, there’s Lili, Gigi and Cole. That’s three,” Portman told reporters. “Mike and Caitlin have some kids, too, right? Yeah, Cooper and Maddy. Don’t forget Kristin and Garrett’s daughter Makenna. How many kids is that now? Six? Seven?

“Then we heard that John and Jennifer had an ultrasound today and learned they’re having a daughter. And they already have Pete! My God, how big is this family?”

Portman turned to an aide. “Did you ever find out if Joe has a kid? Waddaya mean the paternity test was inconclusive? I need answers, man! Answers! We have a national crisis on our hands!”

Portman then collapsed at the podium and wept.

If the proliferation of Tedesco children continues unabated, the Census Bureau predicts that one in five Americans will carry the dreaded Tedesco gene by the year 2020.

“Ever since Paul bought his gas-powered Kirkland Signature grill from Costco, he has completely abandoned the kitchen and now cooks all meals outside on the deck, like he’s freakin’ Steven Raichlen or something,” said Clifford Jenson, chief researcher with Consumer Reports.

Contacted by the Tedesco Times, Paul admitted he loves his gas grill for its ease of use and tons of “super cool knobs.” But he denied allegations that his grill addiction has forced the Tedesco family to live on a strict diet of burgers, sausages, and steaks.

“Dude, my family is a bunch of carnivores,” Paul said as he flipped a porterhouse and looked lovingly at his shiny silver grill. “I need this baby just to keep up with their sick ravenous appetites.”

Makenna enters the cult of the Build-a-Bear

“At Build-a-Bear, Tedesco girls are our best friends,” company spokesperson Imelda Hucksley told reporters. “And our new best friend is Makenna, who completed our cult-like indoctrination process with flying colors.

“All hail the Great Bear!” Hucksley added.

Company revenues have swelled ever since the Tedesco kids discovered the colorful, hypnotic allure of Build-A-Bear stores, which offer myriad ways to get children hooked on customizing cuddly teddy bears.

Authorities believed Makenna, 2, was too young too join the Build-A-Bear cult. But that all changed one night in Denver, when Makenna’s aunt, Georgia Ramirez, was baby sitting all the Tedesco kids.

“As we all know, Build-A-Bear wouldn’t be where it is today — infiltrating the hearts and minds of millions of cute kids — without Georgia,” Hucksley said. “Her kids have risen rapidly through the ranks of Build-A-Bear — Gigi is already a Grand Poo Bear. So Georgia took them all to the mall so Makenna could drink the Kool-Aid — I mean, enjoy an unforgettable experience at Build-A-Bear.”

As a Class 1 neophyte of the Great Bear, Makenna can now sign up for the company’s virtual training camp, Build-A-Bearsville, which teaches enthralled kids to spend their parents money for years and years.

ITEM! Cousin John and Karuna got married this weekend! Gasp!

Sources close to the jet-setting couple say the ceremony was a beautiful, East-meets-West affair at the Drake Hotel in Chicago.

It wasn’t immediately clear why the Drake allowed Tedescos inside. But according to witnesses, the wedding was an amazing ceremony attended by friends, family, and Joe. Congrats!

ITEM! Britney Spears didn’t marry anyone today …

HOLLYWOOD — Annie Tedesco’s starring role in a funny Bud Light commercial was widely hailed by Tedesco guys as the most awesome thing ever that surpasses everything they’ve ever done in life.

“Dude, she starred in a beer commercial!” Mike Tedesco told reporters at a press conference as he gave high-fives to other members of the Tedesco clan. “Have you people ever achieved that kind of greatness? Me neither.”

The commercial was a masterpiece of drama and suspense, Tedesco guys said.

“I deeply appreciated the inner battle the heroine faced dealing with her nemesis, the waiter,” Paul Tedesco said. “It reminded me of all the times waiters ignored me at a bar when I was trying to buy cold, frosty Bud Light. Now I know I need to trip those jerk waiters into a glass window.”

What made the commercial so special, her family said, was the challenging role for the actress.

“This commercial proves my sister has awesome acting chops,” her brother, John Gronbeck-Tedesco, announced. “At the beginning of the commercial, she had to act all quiet and shy and reserved. I’m here to tell ya, she really had to dig deep to pull that off.”