Police Blotter

Space limitations do not permit a full accounting of the laws broken by the Tedesco family. Here are a few highlights:

June 6, 1973: A 29-year crime spree begins with the birth of John Tedesco.

August 17, 1982: Mom is charged with three counts of neglect when she allows her sons to ride bikes around the neighborhood dressed like Ponch and John on "CHiPS."

February 25, 1983: Federal authorities trace the earliest roots of driveby shootings to a Big Wheel incident involving Mike.

Oct. 2, 1985: Kristin Tedesco, AKA "The Mafia Princess," orders her first mob hit.

March 3, 1986: Mom violates United Nations resolution 482, which bans mothers from giving their children 1970s-style Beatles haircuts.

May 20, 1987: Dad teaches his family the Parker Brothers game Risk, instilling in each child a sick desire for world conquest. Geek

Sept. 3, 1990: After his first two weeks as a freshman at Gonzaga Prep, Paul can now cuss in both English and Latin.

June 11, 1991: The Tedesco children break all laws of decency when they become fans of Vanilla Ice.

August 9, 1992: A brutal dictatorship finally ends when John leaves for college.

January 2, 1996: Arrest warrants are issued for Joe, Paul, Mike and Kristin on charges of conspiracy to commit organized crime, racketeering, and chronic bed wetting. Guy with mullet

Feb. 4, 1997: Fashion police ticket Joe for wearing a mullet in public.

Dec. 25, 2002: Police are called to a chaotic mess of toys and puzzle pieces strewn about the home of Mike and Caitlin Tedesco. The prime suspect, Maddy Tedesco, 3, is in hiding.