Paul’s Backyard » The Tedesco Times

Fire codes violated during marshmallow melt

Aug 132011

Maddy and Lili gaze in wonder at the towering inferno

DENVER — A casual family ritual of toasting s’mores in Paul Tedesco’s backyard escalated into an apocalyptic inferno that instantly incinerated scores of marshmallows and violated numerous city fire codes, authorities announced at a press conference today.

“I’ve been fighting fires for more than 20 years,” said Battalion Fire Chief Mike Wilkerson of the Denver Fire Department. “I know what a marshmallow melt is supposed to look like. I’m here to tell you, this was no ordinary fire. Those marshmallows never stood a chance.”

Arson investigators spent hours combing the wreckage of Paul’s barbeque pit, looking for clues that could explain how a tiny fire that was supposed to toast friendly little marshmallows for Tedesco children could rage into an insatiable volcano of doom.

“Everyone knows you’re supposed to lightly toast the marshmallow, not char it with a hydrogen bomb,” Wilkerson said.

Horrified onlookers said the Tedesco kids kept imploring Paul Tedesco to put more and more wood on the towering inferno. Paul finally put a stop to it after Gigi started making offerings to Haphaestus, the Greek god of fire.

Report: Paul likes his awesome grill a little too much

Paul No Responses »

Sep 122010

DENVER, Colo. — A consumer watchdog group unveiled a report today that revealed a troubling pattern of obsessive grilling by barbecue aficionado Paul Tedesco.

“Ever since Paul bought his gas-powered Kirkland Signature grill from Costco, he has completely abandoned the kitchen and now cooks all meals outside on the deck, like he’s freakin’ Steven Raichlen or something,” said Clifford Jenson, chief researcher with Consumer Reports.

Contacted by the Tedesco Times, Paul admitted he loves his gas grill for its ease of use and tons of “super cool knobs.” But he denied allegations that his grill addiction has forced the Tedesco family to live on a strict diet of burgers, sausages, and steaks.

“Dude, my family is a bunch of carnivores,” Paul said as he flipped a porterhouse and looked lovingly at his shiny silver grill. “I need this baby just to keep up with their sick ravenous appetites.”

Real estate values skyrocket in Paul’s backyard

Paul 1 Response »

Aug 262008

Gigi in her luxurious new condo

DENVER — Real estate developer Paul Tedesco unveiled a new housing subdivision in his backyard today that he said will cater to the “high-end toddler market.”

Dubbed “The Estates of Tedescoville,” the .1 acre, 2-story project boasts luxurious swing sets, an extravagant slide, and a roomy lookout tower to spot interloping adults, Paul announced at a press conference today.

“When I bought the raw materials for this new development at Costco, at first I thought it was just a simple play set,” Paul told reporters.

“It turns out you need an engineering degree to build the thing. Took me months,” Paul said. “But it was totally worth it. Every kid in the neighborhood wants to move into my new development, and the value of my backyard has increased 500 percent.”

Paul said he’s “really getting into this real estate thing” and plans to pave over the rest of his backyard, continue expanding, and offer low-interest mortgages to children until the housing bubble bursts.