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Top Story: Paul: Help us name next Tedesco kid
The couple said they were burned out from naming their two girls, Lili and Gianna. To settle on a name for their third child, they want opinions from anyone -- even people who watch "Fox News." "If it works for 'American Idol,' it can work for us," Paul said in a telephone interview with the Tedesco Times. "In just two months, we're going to have a beautiful new baby boy," Georgia added. "So we need the help of total strangers to figure out the name of what's-his-head." They have narrowed their son's name to three choices: -- Enrique, nicknamed "Ricky" -- Elijah, nicknamed "Eli" -- Salvatore, nicknamed "Sal" To place your vote and rationale, write a brief letter to the editor by clicking here. To see other suggestions, click here. Tedescos visit Sicilian homeland
"Considering there's a legend that our family fled Sicily decades ago under shady mob-related circumstances, the mayor thing was a nice surprise," Dad said in a telephone interview with the Tedesco Times. Dad, Uncle John, Aunt Sue, Cousin Anna and her friend flew to Sicily, rented a van, and drove all over the Mediterranean island. They discovered neighborhood cafes with amazing coffee, an old house that might be an ancestral home, and a culture where everyone seems friendly and beautiful. The mayor of Alimena, a vilage in the heart of Sicily where one side of the Tedesco family came from, gave the Americans a tour and held a small ceremony at his office to welcome them. It marked the first instance a Tedesco ever visited a city facility without being in handcuffs. Tedescos commit fashion felonies
Tedescos say they can't remember being this embarrassed since the era of Joe's Van Halen-style mullet hair, which was finally cut off and euthanized in March 2001. "Dude, you can't beat a neon-colored T-shirt with a sport coat," Garrett said as he lounged, Miami-Vice style, in a hot tub sipping a frosty Pina Colada. "Hot pink is the new black, believe me." Kristin said she fit in perfectly with the '80s scene, given her naturally dry, frizzled hair and life-long crush on Don Johnson. "I can barely remember the actual show, because I was about a year old when it came out," Kristin said as she twiddled her fingers through a three-inch hoop earing. "So I have a lot to learn about being an '80s babe." Other crimes against fashion include Paul's life-long obsession with plaid flannel shirts, John's tribute to MC Hammer in the summer of 1993, and Mike's face.
A White Christmas in Texas? Thanks, Bing!CORPUS CHRISTI -- Bing finally came through.More than a decade after the Tedescos moved from the snowy reaches of Spokane to the traumatic humidity of South Texas, Mom finally witnessed a white Christmas -- Bing Crosby style. As avid worshipers of the baritone-voiced crooner, Mom and Aunt Paula have religiously watched "White Christmas" every year, although they sometimes mix it up with another Crosby classic, "Holiday Inn." Yet in Mom's star-struck eyes, Bing never seemed the same when watched in Texas, where the Tedescos have been known to go sunbathing in the dead of winter. This year, the ghost of Bing delivered three inches of snow to his favorite fan in Corpus Christi. "Every year, Mom always asks us if we want to watch "White Christmas" for the umpteenth time," Joe said during a smoke break. "But this year, it was like, holy crap, we really did have a white Christmas. I guess we have no choice now." Mom's snowy present also resulted in 44 road closures, 35 accidents, and a general sense of panic among Texans who had no idea what the hell was going on. Lili launched successfully into orbit
"One ... two ... seven ... Weeeeeeeeeeeee!" the toddler squealed as she experienced gravitational forces that would crush a grapefruit. NASA engineers at the Kennedy Space Center in Houston broke into applause and cheers as Lili experienced several moments of weightlessness near the ceiling rafters, then hurtled towards earth until she landed safely on a futon. "Never before has one so brave been so cute," NASA's top administrator Sean O'Keefe was heard to say. "That little munchkin makes me proud." Upon landing, Lili said "Again!" and demanded a return to the launch pad.
Turkey Bowl XVIII breaks new records, new bonesLAWRENCE, Kansas -- In a hallowed tradition, the Tedescos spent Thanksgiving morning blundering around in the snow, slush and mud of the Kansas tundra in a game of touch football that was as grueling as it was pointless.Turkey Bowl XVIII was fought before an audience of Tedesco women who gawked like rubberneckers driving by an eight-car pileup on the turnpike. "Uh, it's cold out here," Kristin Tedesco said before fleeing inside. The game began with the usual array of flubbed passes, dropped balls and blatant sneak plays.
In the third quarter, Uncle John caught a one handed pass. After running like a gazelle to catch the ball, the grey-haired warrior turned, lowered his head to break tackles, and somehow slowed to a leisurely trot. He was mercilessly dogpiled. Dad's hobby of swing dancing came in handy as he bobbed and weaved across the field like Fred Astaire on steroids. "I'm only missing Ginger Rogers," Dad was overhead saying to himself. "Man, she was hot." Cousin John and Paul Tedesco enjoyed the rare feeling of catching a touchdown pass in Turkey Bowl. They celebrated the athletic feat by degrading their health with cigars and wine the rest of the day. Joe Tedesco slid around and fell a lot. Mike Tedesco employed his usual strategy of holding and tackling. His tactic of grabbing face masks resulted in several gouged eyes since no one wore helmets. Kristin's boyfriend, newcomer Garrett Cook, was the only player smart enough to wear cleats, defying Tedesco tradition of playing smart. He also frequently dove for the ball, defying another tradition of expending as little energy as possible. Like last year's Turkey Bowl, the score ended in a tie -- 21 to 21 -- an appropriate ending to a game where no one wins and everyone loses. Halloween Scare: Bizarre sightings of giant animals, sugar-plum fairy reported
U.S. Secretary Tom Ridge assured the public that a giant bumblebee and lion spotted in Colorado and a sugar-plum fairy seen in Kansas were "almost assuredly" peaceful.
Ridge said citizens should "duck and cover" if they see a sugar-plum fairy cast a spell at them, and to seal their windows and doors with duct-tape to keep out pixie dust. Ridge denied a report in today's edition of the New York Times that the North American Air Defense Command at Cheyenne Mountain had spotted a huge bumblebee with a cute baby face attacking Denver. "The fact that we launched a squadron of F-16 interceptors from Buckley Air Force Base was merely a coincidence," Ridge said as he laughed nervously and dabbed his forehead with a handkerchief. "All is well. But if you happen to have a beekeeper uniform handy, I suggest you make a bold fashion statement today and wear it to work." Ridge denied another rumor that Las Vegas entertainers Sigfried and Roy had been tapped to befriend a ferocious lion spotted in Denver that devoured bags of helpless candy. Trick-or-treaters scare Gatsby
"Gatsby is always scared of something, but on Halloween he almost lost it," Kristin told reporters as Gatsby cowered upstairs. As friendly costumed children roamed the neighborhood, Gatsby hid in Kristin's condo and covered his eyes with his paws. Instead of barking like normal dogs, Gatsby remained deathly quiet, hoping to high heaven no one noticed his presence. And when Kristin took him for a walk, Gatsby darted from bush to bush and crawled along the ground in an attempt to avoid prying eyes. "What a scaredy cat," Kristin said. Around the Nation: Whopper sales up among Tedescos
Family cites Cousin Anna's role in commercial for sudden cravingsLOS ANGELES -- A Burger King commercial starring Cousin Anna has sparked record sales among Tedescos at the fast-food chain.The commercial -- a Spiderman promotion that family members said would have fallen flat had it not been for Anna's virtuoso performance -- has prompted Tedescos to gorge themselves at Burger King for breakfast, lunch and dinner. "There's nothing like a juicy Whopper to jump start your arteries," Paul Tedesco said in Denver as he waited in line at a Burger King near work. Sales for happy meals have skyrocketed in Austin, where Joe and Cousin John live. "Me happy," Cousin John said as he played "vroom vroom" with a toy car that came with his purchase. Several family members said they can't wait for Cousin Anna to invite them all to Los Angeles, where they will move in and live off her new-found fame like those guys in the HBO show "Entourage." Dozens injured by Mike's golf swing
Authorities identified Mike Tedesco, 26, as the so-called "golf sniper" whose hooks and slices somehow invariably struck numerous golfers no matter how hard they tried to hide. "It was so unnerving the way he smoked a cigarette, raised his 4-iron with that God-awful golf swing, and cavalierly hit the ball into a crowd of people standing 200 feet to the side of him," said witness Bertha Stewart, whose husband was among the injured. Police said a small group of golfers survived the onslaught by standing 150 yards directly in front of Tedesco, which guaranteed that his golf balls would come nowhere near them.
Family unaware of Joe's secret life as ninjaAUSTIN -- The Tedesco family is still unaware that Joe's job as a wine vendor is merely an elaborate facade to conceal his secret life as a ninja master."When I was a kid taking Karate classes at the YWCA, Mom and Dad had no clue I was inducted into a secret ninja society," said Joe, who is known as "Master Obi Juan" of the Tiger Claw ninja clan.
"In my hands, even a bottle of 2002 Columbia Crest Chardonnay can be a deadly weapon," Joe said. "Oh, by the way, we have Columbia Crest on sale right now for $14.95. You've got to try this spectacular wine. It's fruity on the nose with residual sugars. Tastes like butter and rose petals." Joe acknowledged that living in Austin has put a damper on assassination targets, but he still gets a kick out of throwing ninja stars at his cats. Gracie enters rehab at Kitty Ford Clinic
Gracie said through her publicist that a years-long conflict with Luna had taken its toll. "Catnip was Gracie's way of dealing with Luna and numbing the pain," Mom told reporters at a press conference. "Every time we tried to pet Gracie, Luna would have none of it and chase her away. Just imagine the effect that abuse had on a sensitive cat. One time, I saw her blow through $400 worth of catnip in one night, rolling around in it like Courtney Love. Thank God Gracie is finally seeking help."
Poll: Tedescos are dreamy stud muffinsA new survey has found 98 percent of Americans ranked Tedescos as "totally awesome" and hope to be included in the super-cool clique.The Gallup poll, which has a margin of error of 3 percentage points, shows Tedescos have adoring fans all over the country. By and large, Tedescos are so cool, they have no clue about this national phenomenon. "I bumped into this tall, gaunt-looking guy at the supermarket today, and I was like, 'Oh my God, that's Paul Tedesco!'" said Annette Hansworth, a 22-year-old college student in Denver. "Or maybe it was Mike. Or Joe. I'm not sure, they all have that hip anorexic look!" The remaining 2 percent of Americans who responded to the survey were Trekies who realize they have no hope of ever being friends with a Tedesco. |
Features What do readers say about
the Tedesco Times? "Thanks for the great web site! Now I can see what the Tedesco family is up to!" "Finally, I've tracked down my scumbag boyfriend for child-support payments! Thanks, Tedesco Times!" "Do you have the phone number of the cute editor? I think John is dreamy!" "Thanks to the Tedesco Times, now we know where to direct our electronic monitoring efforts!" "You'll be hearing from my lawyers!" Paul and Georgia started a business! 
Come back soon to check out the bankruptcy! |
